Chris was born on December 31st, 1980 which means he is now 40 years old.
He has a pretty great job and a majorly fulfilling hobby which involves simulating murder to earn little pieces of tape.
He's a wonderful father to an awesome + adorable kid and husband to a sweet, cute wife who keeps the baked goods stocked. He was supposed to have a party that was rescheduled twice and ultimately canceled, in light of which, this website was created to allow those that would have "roasted" him in person to do so virtually.
~please enjoy~
​
Happy Birthday, Chris. Welcome to 40. Time to get your affairs in order and pre-pay for that funeral; you don’t want to be any more of a burden on your family than you already are!
In all seriousness, I want to take a moment to say how much I appreciate your friendship. Outside of family, you are the person I legitimately keep in touch with that I’ve known the longest. Was it First or Second grade? I know it was in Third Grade you got me that Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch cassette for my birthday- always with the jokes- and somehow destroyed my Fraggle Rock drum set. In Junior high, I remember bonding over the usual junior high activities- mostly music, pranking poor KFC employees, and concussing Pat Boehm.
We fell apart for a few years, but renewed our friendship as (alleged) adults, united by a mutual love and admiration for people in various states of undress pretending to fight. And in that renewed friendship, I made an amazing discovery. This friend, who on the surface still presented a raw sense of humor sometimes bordering on the inappropriate, now had an incredible depth of character. A fiercely independent and principled spirit, an amazing father to a truly inspiring daughter, someone who truly enjoys giving to others without having to wave it like a banner.
Without getting too mushy and emotional (too late for that), you are inspiring, my dude, and I’m glad we’re friends. And that was even before the grassroots campaign for public office in the most tumultuous political climate in recent memory.
I thought about making a goofy video, or sending some email just loaded with jokes. But my true medium has always been sentimentality, and we need to take the times as appropriate to wield it appropriately.
Happy birthday, friend. Welcome to the 40-year-old club. We’ve officially outlived our usefulness.
I love you, man!
Mark Johnston
​
​
​
This year's been such a bust that my roasting skills have given way to emotions of fondness and cheesy warmth.
Chris, I think you're great. I admire all of the ways you put yourself out there and accept challenge.
It's awesome to know you and pick your brain about things. I hope you have the best birthday 2020 can offer (low bar) and look forward to real celebrations in the future.
Best,
Linsey Williams
Chris, raising a glass to you for the day you walked across the street with two glasses of scotch to share...and all the glasses we’ve had since...
...to the guy who caught Maiden with me...
​
...and to the guy who doesn’t just talk about running for mayor, he actually does it. And at some point during his busy door-to-door campaigning, knocks on my door and gifts me two of our favorite things in one, alcohol and Maiden (it worked, I voted for you). To say we’re blessed to have such great neighbors and friends is a massive understatement.
Chris, can’t wait until we can re-celebrate your big day in person. Crank some metal and have a few! Happy 40th bud and Happy New Year to you, Suzanne and Natalie!
- Kevin, Anne Marie, Emily & Sarah
​
​
Chris, wish we could all celebrate you like you deserve. Let's get together when this shit is over.
Super happy fucking birthday,
old man! - Kristin & Jim Moeller
Although I've known you for roughly half your life, and it's been amazing so far, I can confidently say that the best is yet to come. Proud of all your ambition and huge heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love you! - wifey
One of my first memories of Chris is when I was 2 or 3 months into Jiu Jitsu and I was kind of a mess. It was Chris that put in extra time to help me get sorted out. Every couple weeks he would check in on me making sure I was good. He always has some support to offer people, and I can genuinely say that my life is better having met him, and having him be part of my life - Travis N.
Happy birthday you giant dildo! I am sorry that we don't get to celebrate it properly but there is always next year and hopefully this summer we will get
to spend some time together. As much as I have always enjoyed putting you
down it's time that I lift you up some. You have always been a good friend
to me whether it be in a time of need or just a normal day. It hasn't gone unnoticed. One thing I've always appreciated about you is the fact that
you are never fake. In a world filled with people that need others to like
them all the time this is a very rare trait to find. I hope this upcoming year
is great for you and that the wins outweigh the losses. Hell maybe this year
you will actually develop some back muscles!!! Wouldn't that be just swell...
yours truly,
Ben
Ps- if you decide to run again you can count on my vote. Sorry that didn't work out. Maybe get sex change or something so you an come off more progressive? Idk just a thought.
Happy birthday Dad, I hope you have a great day and I wanted
to say thank you for everything you do for me. I'm thankful for everything you do fo me and mom. I love you a lot and I'm glad you're there for the good times and the times I'm struggling or feeling down. You're 40 years old now. I can officially say
you're my "old man." I probably won't say that, but I can. I love you to the smallest pieces ever and I want you to have a really good birthday, even if it's not at Tavern 13. Happy birthday Dad!